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| Why am I here?
Will my dreams ever come to pass?
and what are those, exactly?
I guess that Ive lost alot of confidence that my world is ever going to amount to anything. I mean, college will be ok, if I can afford it, and if, once I leave, I dont have 100,000 dollars in debt to hang over me for the rest of my existence. I want my life to be different, somehow. I dont want to live in debt, and I dont want a cookie cutter existence, to use the popular cliché.
On a random comment: Im actually kinda relieved yet disappointed that I missed the drag show on Saturday. It would have been awkward, both with the company (EX!!!) and well, my mom, as usual. It would've been nice, though.
Im glad I went to UR instead, even if my mom thought I was getting drunk with frat boys and having wild sex with them.
(I wasnt, by the way.)
Im writing a STORY!!!! and it feels pretty good this time. Creative writing helps me write and whatnot. so.... but yeah. Im definitely finding, though that my writing was probably better before, when I was crazy. And yes, I really was. kinda.
I just really hate that these adult stresses are being thrown on me all of a sudden. The glaring 30,000 a year (minimum!) that I have to raise is kinda, well, fucking terrifying. And yes, thats after financial aid. :)
So, I just feel unsure that everything's going to be ok. I really dont want to be homeless, still living in my mom's house, or in prison.
I dont want to be a stereotype, but I feel myself becoming one with each passing day.
Can I connect these thoughts into any sort of common theme? Not really. Im just kinda upset. Also, I think that some of you guys out there feel the same as well.
So comment, dammit. | | |
| Herm I'm gonna update.
I wrote a poem that I might submit to the quill, but I don't know. Fear of committment to anything. bleh. Dont ask me to explain that; it doesnt make any sense... I onder if you'll notice that this is nothing but a stream of consciousness... hmmm I had a bagel with guacamole today, Que delicioso. I'm not pissed off at anyone anymore, I dont think. No energy. I can forgive. I might forget. What I find most interesting, however, is that I dont hate myself so much anymore. For the last 9 years of my life, I didn't value myself at all. Zero self esteem doesn't do much to help you make the right decisions. Hence the unfortunate chair-breaking incident (Thank Jesus for wood glue and clamps)
I'm all self-reflectiveall of a sudden. I think that I finally have the tools to oneday really become happy. A frightening thought, I know.
It's easy to become a good person once you realize thaht all you have to do is try.
I love you all. I apologize for being a dick, and you know that I have been, maybe even for as long as you've known me. I don't mean this to be some sort of proclamation that I will henceforth be an entirely different person, but I really think that I feel better about my principles and myself. I'll try to be nicer.
Loves,
Nate-face (in the ever wise words of Sarah Byder | | |
| I decided that it was becoming an inappropriately long amount of time not to update, and so here we are. College apps are done, but I'v got to find some way to make 11,ooo dollars by august or I wont be able to afford it. Shitness. I'm taking italian classes, which are going pretty awesomely, even though I'm taking them with my mom. Bleh. My myspace is fun; check it out once you become my friend (myspace.com/i_am_slain) I wont bite. I've decided that life is too short to be pissed off at people, so if you want to be my friend, that's fine. If not, that's fine too. Please dont go around ruining what I have left. I love everyone, event the people I dont like, and I think that what the world needs is a little forgiveness. I'm all philisophical and whatnot. hmm. Feel free to disregard what I just said. I bought pretty new clothes last week. I've been promoted at the T^H (yes, boys and girls, in a few short weeks, I'll be a full-fledged supervisor. Yayy!!!! I dont want to go home; my fat stepdad is doing the footballness. Garrr..
Forgiveness is divine. | | |
| Hooray, I'm updating for the first time in months, and, more than likely, no one will read it. That means that I can write whatever I like, such as, I consume the flesh of the innocent, or I disagree with our current form of government. Oh well, that was fun. I did pretty much all of my college essays last night, then got yelled at. I'm at the college now, enjoying the major buzz that I got from my super-coffee. I'll probably go chill at my friends dorm room in a bit, but I just felt like updating. Oh, and by the way, if you're one of the people who hate me now, please don't comment. I wouldn't deal too well with that. Thank you and good day. | | |
| There are some really strange things out there. For example, I saw Catholic TV the other day, called the Eternal Word Television Network, with these freaky kids programs that told terrible stories of rape and murder to 3-year-olds. Twisted. By the way, I understand that those people are just fucked up and don't represent the majority of Catholics. I heart you guys, my various catholic friends. anyways, yesterday, I visited Blueberry Hill, the apartment complex where I used to live before I met you all, and I sat around in all the places where I really feel like my life was defined. Except in the apartments where I lived; that would be stalkerish and creepy. Like the weird old guy that told me that I should be a model. End tangent. Anyways, I think visiting gave me a strong base for my memories, and it felt really strange. I sat for a while in the exact place where I remember carving a bar of soap with a pocketknife, while I waited to go to my father's wake. It was pretty depressing, and led me to question my mom's parenting skills if she let me use a pocketknife. Anyways. Have a good day. And sorry for calling you, Sarah; it was a little random. | | |
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